But what I'd never received before was a letter (a warning, really) from the esteemed NAACP, or the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. The organization, according to this letter, was fed up with my "insistence on profiling wrestlers that don't accurately represent cultural realities."

"To date, you have written your 'True Wrestling Stories' on the following personalities: Shawn Michaels, Mick Foley, Andre The Giant, Bill Apter, Cowboy Bob Orton, The Monday Night Wars and Stone Cold Steve Austin," the letter read, although they didn't provide hyperlinks; that was my doing. "We really hope your future columns show a little more diversity."

At first, I wasn't sure what they meant. Then it hit me -- I haven't written anything about the superstars of TNA!!!

So, being an equal-opportunity columnist, here is the True Wrestling Story of Samoa Joe.

Chapter One: Samoa Joe's Home (Samoa)

To first understand Samoa Joe, you really have to understand where he came from. So I'd like to close your eyes for a minute and picture the following scene:

Okay, IDIOT. If your eyes are closed, how are you going to read this part? Geez…

Anyways, Samoa looks basically the same as anywhere in Smalltown, U.S.A., except that it's actually an island in the Pacific Ocean. And has considerably less urban sprawl. And more sand. Also, its residents are known for their exceptionally hard heads.

Seriously! If you thought it was just, say, Sika who had that trait, think again! The hat business in Samoa is a genuine cash cow because residents continually wear out their headwear within weeks. Another clothing business that has had problems is the shoe/wrestling boot industry, because the island's natives apparently have trouble with footwear (see the Headshrinker Sionne precedent of 1996).

Most Samoans have trouble grasping the English language, even when all of their co-workers use it in everyday conversation. The same is apparently true for natives of Uganda and The Former Soviet Union.

The top import to the island of Samoa (and if Wikipedia tells you otherwise, they're full of shit!) is raw fish. Samoans love to devour whole fish with their hands, and often during televised interviews. The official language of Samoa is Primitive Grunts and Groans.

Samoa's top export? You guessed it -- professional wrestlers.

Chapter Two: Samoan Family Values

Now, I realize most people already know all this, but there's still some of you out there (e.g. The Fake Jim Cornette) who are a little confused about how all the Samoans are related to each other. So one more time, here goes:

There were originally seven Samoan brothers: Afa, Sika, Superfly Jimmy Snuka, High Chief Peter Maivia, Happy, Bashful and Doc.

Afa and Sika eventually got hitched (same-sex and same-tag-team-partner marriages were allowed in Samoa long before the rest of the civilized world). They had numerous children together, including Haku, Tama, Samu, Shamu, Ofa, Uma, Oprah, Snafu, Sika Classic, Yokozuna, Rikishi and most of the Three Minute Warning (not Rico; he was adopted).

Snuka fathered Superfly Snuka Jr., or Jimmy Snuka The Second, or whatever the hell his punk-ass kid is called, and probably Siva Afi as well. You should see how "Superfly" gets ribbed during family reunions:

"So, Fly -- How are the kids?"

"Well, brudda. My son Superfly Snuka II recently had a tryout for OVW, but he couldn't get in. And Siva's in college now, and he's almost completely blacked out the time in his life where he had to job to Iron Mike Sharpe."

"Ha! Sucks to be you."

"Hey, I don't see YOUR NAME in the WWE Hall of Fame, brudda! You couldn't get there, yet The Fridge makes it in. Ha!"

"Hey, at least I RETIRED as WCW Hardcore Champion! How many other people can say that?"

"Big fucking deal, brudda. The reason they didn't take the belt from you is because they FORGOT you were still with the company! They probably thought the belt was still on Kwee Wee or Evan Kariagas or some shit."

"Shut up! Don't make me bust out my Tongan Death Grip!"

As for High Chief Peter Maivia, he would later welcome Rocky Johnson into the world. Uh, somehow. And Johnson would later go on to father The Rock, who starred with Michael Clarke Duncan in The Scorpion King, who starred with Gary Sinise in The Green Mile, who was in Apollo 13 with… Kevin Bacon!!! Yes! I did it!!!

(Honestly -- that last paragraph alone took me almost TWO HOURS to compose. I'd like to see YOU try and connect Peter Maivia to Kevin Bacon! See what I go through for you people? If at least one person doesn't comment on this week's TWS in the World Wrestling Insanity message boards, I think I'm quitting.)

And how did Samoa Joe fit into all this? Um, let's just say he's the lovechild of The Tonga Kid and Samu. I DON'T CARE IF THEY'RE THE SAME PERSON!!!

Chapter Three: Oh, right -- Samoa Joe. I forgot.

I realize you folks don't think I do my research, but I do. Or at least, I asked someone pertinent questions, such as "What does 'ROH' stand for?". The following information comes from Peter Holby of progressiveboink.com, who is an avid ROH follower/nut. I may or may not have altered portions of this to make it funnier:

Joe was a member of a Polynesian dance troupe and performed at the opening ceremony at the 1984 Olympics. I am not making this up! You may remember him as the guy who delivered a Muscle Buster to Carl Lewis. Okay, that part I did…

He eventually made his way to California's UPW promotion, whose alumnae over the years have read like a virtual "who's who" of professional wrestling -- Luther Reigns, Heidenreich, Jesus (whom I've heard has a problem with me) and numerous others. Including John Cena. But for now we're just focusing on popular wrestlers.

Joe held the UPW title longer than anyone else, according to my good friend/nut Mr. Holby. Longer than Heidenreich? Is there no justice in the world?

In 2001, Joe appeared on top-rated wrestling program Jakked and lost in a match to Essa Rios. Again, not making that up.

Essa Rios??? Are you kidding me? Geez. I mean, Essa couldn't even beat Gillberg, yet he goes over this putz? Some superstar he is!

Chapter Four: The ROH Years

Samoa Joe went to the boring, er, I mean, thrilling Ring of Honor promotion in October of 2002, where he would go on to battle a bunch of generic, no-name wimps with names like Jack Jackson, Bill Smith, Jerry Peters and Deathskull (and YES, I admit I used a similar joke just two weeks ago in my Inside The Ropes column. Hey, YOU try coming up with fresh parody material twice a week!).

By March of 2003, Joe defeats some douche named Xavier (Oooh, what an intimidating moniker! I think that was the name of my brother's Cabbage Patch Kid) to win the "prestigious" ROH Title. Over the next 21 months, Joe goes on to defend his strap against as C.M. Punk, American Dragon (the love child of Dusty Rhodes and Ricky Steamboat), Colt Cabana, Paul London and numerous other Velocity Jobbers.

Samoa Joe became the longest-reigning champion in ROH history. Big freaking deal! I won the ROH title just last week. Look under their title history -- it says "Canadian Bulldog d. Jeff McPhee, 04-20-06". Who cares?

Joe eventually dropped the strap to future TNA Xplosion jobber "Stone Cold" Austin Aries (Lex Lovett and Buck Quartermaine were busy that week), and after losing an okay series of matches against Japanese jobber Kenta Kobashi, ROH agreed to part ways with him.

They wished him the best in future endeavors.

Chapter Five: Sorry, folks, this thing ain't getting the full ten-chapter treatment

When Samoa Joe arrived on the scene in NWA TNA during the final months of 2005, it was clear he was like no one else on the roster.

This is because everyone else fell into one of three categories: Flip-Floppy Luchadore-Style (Sonjay Dutt, Jeff Hardy, Elix Skipper, Abyss); ECW-Style (Raven, Rhino, Team 3-D, Sabu, Sinister Minister, Shane Douglas, Mike Tenay); or Pretty Much Suck-Style (Jeff Jarrett).

So Joe stood out in a crowd. Which is a polite way of saying he could stand to lose a few pounds. (Note to Guttman: PLEASE make sure he doesn't read this column. Thanks!)

Joe was dubbed "The Samoan Submission Machine" and used a variety of unique finishers, such as the Coquina Clutch, the Muscle Buster, the Samoan Elbow, and in rare cases, the Worm. He also incorporated a unique series of maneuvers into his repertoire, such as the Ole Kick (named for its founder, Ole Anderson), the Island Driver and the Masterlock.

Joe boasted an undefeated record in TNA, similar to WWI message board favorite Bill Goldberg, except that he accomplished that in a real wrestling league. By December, Joe defeated Mexican mini A.J. Styles, capturing the X Division title to the delight of all the screaming fanboys that flocked to The Sound Studio TNA Always Runs Its Shows From.

Although he dropped the title to pencil-necked geek Christopher Daniels a few months later because he was too fat to climb the Ultimate X wires, Joe quickly regained his belt. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Well, recent history, I suppose. Not old-fashioned history, such as when George Washington cut down a cherry tree, and then Triple H hit him with a sledgehammer. Or the time when Abraham Lincoln freed all the slaves, only to have Triple H pedigree them.

(NAACP warning: Um, let's not go there.)

For True Wrestling Stories, I'm Canadian Bulldog.